Today I am 22 years-old in the middle of a pandemic but life has become more calm. Nearly finishing my bachelors in communication and digital media studies I found a new label for myself other then the girl who lost her mom. I have several children in my life who give me purpose in my life that are not mine.

In Oshawa I have 3 roommates, and we all support each other and by groceries together. One is a bookworm and can read several books a day, her passion for something so simple is aspiring. The other is brilliant when it comes to forensics and gun projectile, recently getting accepted to a exclusive program in Scotland has me in awe. My final roommate is a genius when it comes to the design of video games, the game he created has won several awards and is going to be released to the public in the near future. To have something to release seems unimaginable. My roommate inspire me everyday.

My sister now lives on her own and despite her mental health problems she has been successfully living by herself for over a year now. She is now learning things in life that our mom was not able to teach her. Both of my maternal grandparents are still well and always there to help us when we need it which I am ever thankful for.

My Father and my step-mom are still together and run a property management business together. They are always their for me when I have a problem out of my control and tell me how to control the problem I can. They both show me how to keep on pushing, and I love them deeply for this.

I am doing well with everything that has happen to me. The last time I visited my mom was last summer and seeing her grave an removing her old necklace from around mine was the release I needed. I no longer blame myself for what had happen to her but when things go wrong I still wish I could call her. Sometimes I find myself praying to her hoping that she hears the things I say. I never want to become what she had but I do want to become what she was before. So in a way I hope to be like my mother but not a duplicate.

I love you mom.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

― Rob Siltanen

Now living with a family with two kids below the age of 5 and trying to do school work is quite challenging. Everything is a little more difficult, sleep is hard due to the kids screaming, getting a test done while babysitting the kids can make a person go insane, but I love them. Another person I am not use to being around is my boyfriend who wants to share everything with me but also does not fully understand that I have schoolwork to complete. For now all I can do is just go day by day.

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I am 18 years-old, My mom’s funeral had just passed so I now moved on to attend University of Ontario Institute of Technology, two hours away from where I had lived. Some people apologize to me for my experience but after the third time of hearing it, I just felt pitied by everyone else. Everyone I met I had to put on a mask and pretend to be overly happy, but in reality I cried myself to sleep most nights calling for my mom.

No one can prepare for the pain you feel when losing a love one especially when they leave so suddenly. I feel alienated from the world around me because no one that I knew had experienced what I had. I am not sure how to communicate the emotions I feel I do not know how to handle a life without a mom to complain too.

Around noon the residence advisor (RA) came and banged on our doors to tell us about the ice break at 2. A lot of people did not attend this event but no one from high school had come to this university, so I went.

After several games and a lot of talking we gathered into our floors. The RA introduced himself and we all went in a circle. The first girl was named to Samantha and she had something to tell everyone, with a smile on her face she told everyone. ” I am Samantha and I live in the room at the end of the hall, I am not a RA and do not have condoms to give you.” I giggled a bit to myself after hearing that and immediately decide I have to be friends with this outgoing lady. Maybe I can get through this change.

“Killing yourself slowly is still killing yourself. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home. Recovery is hard work. Not wanting to die is hard work.”

― Blythe Baird

Not a single flaw of my outfit can show today. My blazer sits perfectly, my blouse is tucked, spandex are on, and my confidence is high. I. can. handle. this. I board the train that is Toronto bound to host the event I have been working on since the beginning of my contract in January. I keep telling myself, “My confidence cannot sway, I must remain calm for everyone else.”

My boss, co-worker, and I grab the complimentary cookies and coffee we are supplying for the event. ” Sorry we just dumped the coffee, a lot of people today have been canceling their events and we thought you might’ve as well due to the coronavirus.” My boss and I exchanged worrying glances as we both thought about the attendance of our event falling from 100 to 0. I kept verbally reassuring her that it would all be fine and we would still have some people show. Despite thinking otherwise.

Approximately 30 people attended the event which amazed all of us, but with this a new problem arisen in the midst of the event. All schools in Ontario have been canceled for the next 3 weeks, everyone in the room turned their attention to their phones making plans for their kids. The room gave a impending doom feeling, a feeling I only felt once before.

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I have been out late one night for a party and slept in until 1 PM the next day. I woke up and looked at my phone. 12 Missed Calls From Dad. 20 Missed Calls From Christa. My heart sunk. I told my boyfriend I had to go something was wrong and quickly called my sister.

“Christa, why did you call me so many times?”

” It’s Mom. Come to the hospital. Quickly please.”

The call ended. The sense of impending doom filled the air around me. I tried to find ways to comfort myself, through the fact my mom had failed suicide attempts in the past. She just needs her stomach pumped, she just needs oxygen, she will be alright.

I pull up in my loud Ford Fusion. My sister is sitting outside the emergency doors with a stone cold look and skin so white it could reflect the son. She saw me get out and new exactly what she needed to say.

She explained to me that my mom went to the basement to get stuff to give me at the farmers market. A hour passed and my sister did not hear her so she went down stairs. Upon getting to the basement door she realized it was blocked so she began to call for my mom. My little sister had to cut the rope. My mom’s glasses shattered. My sister blamed herself for her dying. All I could do was cry.

I should have cut her down not my sister. I should not of moved to my dad’s. I could not let go of the guilt I had about my mom dying.

“A sibling represents a person’s past, present, and future.”

John Corey Whaley

I am sitting at Tim Hortons and my phone buzzes to life with messages from my sister. ” I have to get stitches out today” “Got stitches out.” Memories of my pass rush through my brain about going to the hospital to see my mom. My dad sitting me and my sister down on several occasions explaining to me and my sister why we cannot see my mom for a bit. Taking a deep breath I respond to my little sister, a heartfelt message explaining she is good enough for the world she occupies.

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I am 10 years old, and a loud knock wakes me and my sister from a dead sleep. We walk down stairs and see blue and red lights bounce off the walls and a silhouette of my dad at the door with another man. I walk closer with my sister hiding on the stairs. My dad quickly turns around with anger in his face, “Go wait in the living room.” What I now see is a police officer looking down at me with pity, what is going on?

My dad leaves the door closing it behind him and sits across from me and my sister. “So mom will not be home for a few days girls.”

“Why dad is everything ok?,” I muttered while being both curious and scared.

“The officers found mom in the van with a empty bottle of tylenol and wine. Sometimes people get really sad like mom did and try to get rid of there problems. Mom decided to end her life which is not the right way to handle things and I want you girls to know that.” He stated through tearful eyes.

A week later my mom came home and kept apologizing to me and my sister. Shortly after she moved out and lived in a women’s shelter where me and my sister stayed with my dad. We visited her at my grandma’s once and awhile but I lost my trust in her after that night and our relationship was never the same.

“You give a kid a lie, he’ll remember it for a lifetime. You give a man the truth, he’ll suspect.”

Coral

Whenever the subject of custody of children comes up I get anxious as it was something my family struggled with for the majority of my life. My boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend are discussing signing custody papers so her life is easier in some aspects. I have not been able to fully understand this situation, and often just tell him to be certain of his choice.

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I am 6 years-old, mom keeps telling us that great grandpa is really sick and we are visiting him, but we cannot tell anyone where we are living. She says, “We will get into really big trouble if we do.” I have not seen anyone I known in the past week and I am starting to miss the familiar faces and going outside.

I am starting to get mad and agitated why have we not seen great grandpa and I want my dad. More then anything I miss my grandma too but we cannot leave. On the bright-side I have a cabbage patch doll and tons of cartoons to watch with other kids, but they all goto school and I do not.

The only thing I truly treasured from this was meeting a girl who showed me how to live with nothing. She grabbed a piece of brown paper towel and said if I am ever hungry you chew on it to trick your stomach into thinking you ate. I tried it with her and she kept reminding me not to swallow it. I cannot wait to show everyone what I learnt; whenever I go back to school.

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Finally after two weeks and many conversations about my emotions with other adults we can go home. I look at the poster as we leave the building and they say Womens Shelter and flyers for Domestic Abuse. All I could see were men hitting women and there kids, but my dad never did that.

“What’s your best moment with your mom?”

“When I take my mom to the mall and while using escalator, she holds my hand thinking I still scared of these though she scared of escalator from beginning but I don’t say anything because it reminds me of my childhood.”

Abhishek

My boyfriend and I have agreed for me to meet his son today and I am terrified. I have never been in this situation and none of my friends have been in it either. Stepping out of my old 2008 PT Cruiser I am reminded of the choice I am making. ” Why are you doing this to yourself,” are the words my friends keep uttering when I mention it, and to be completely honest I am not sure why I am doing it.

I have repeated in my head a multitude of things that can go wrong. What if I say something wrong, what if she does not like me, what if his 2 year old son does not like me? All these ‘ what ifs’ rushing through my head as I push open the door. What if I am just like my mom?

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I am 17 years old, rebellious, a know it all, and most importantly independent. My mom is bringing my sister and I to the movies at the local mall and I am excited and ready to watch. As we pull up I am on my phone texting my friends and paying little attention to what is going on outside the minivan. “Hey look, it’s dad and Jennifer!,” my sister pointed out to my mom and me.

My mom got this spark in her eye and began her rant, “Theres the slut and whore that your dad is with!” My mom stated as if it were a fact written in a history book. Nope I will not put up with this. I opened the vans door and walked away, while my sister and mom got mad at me. My stepmom gave everything up for me and my sister and my mom just seen her as someone who stole her man.

While walking away my mom chased me with the car so I could get back in, but my mind was set to stay as far away from her until I calmed down. I ran and hid in the Burger King nearby and eventually my uncle called me and picked me up. No one was mad at me because they knew what happen and that my mom’s illness was devouring her, I just never knew how much.

A boy’s best friend is his mother.

— Psycho

My roommates and I were discussing what movies we should watch while sitting on my; grey, futon, couch that I have had for the past six years. I brought up horror movies as they have always been the moments of joy when my mom was having her good days. All of them told me no mentioning how, “It gives me nightmares” or they “weren’t in the mood.” Which is fine by me but it has become hard to find a new horror movie buddy to watch with.

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I am 12 years old, and we finally moved into a house across town from dads. This is fine as we can still drive over and see him along with him having us biweekly. With the new place we have a yard a place to put the computer and a place to watch movies like Saw together. I always sit there commenting on how “I would have,” or “Why would anyone do that.” At this time you’re having good days you are happy to not be in a Women’s Shelter and a vehicle to call your own.

These days are my favourite as we can relate over a movie and not fight over my dad being a good or bad person it is just us and the movies we watch. It is so easy for me to take these moments for granted as I have become so comfortable with you. Mom we are going to stay happy like this from now on, right?

It is interesting how all my friends react to us watching horror movies together. They are always so surprised to hear about it but it is something I have a sense of pride over. I guess we are just different.